Silence.

I have come to many solutions in my walk of self healing. However I have choose to make my way harder then most because of my continuous stubborn nature. I can’t phantom the process of many others mind sets or why they act to their human flesh. I can only take my wisdom and cast out, no expose any catastrophic turmoil I may cause for my spirit. In truth I can’t allow others to make me a victim of their evil well doings. I must shepherd my mind and spirit. And silence those around me. Who have caused utter pain into my life. I am damed if I do and damed if I don’t. So I must counterfeit the bad from the good. Make a diverse open minded decision for myself. My upbringing and those around me do not influence my character or my actions to others. My revengeful darkness takes no place for what power God holds on these people who have caused a reckoning to my life. I have no power against Gods will for them. So I surrender, letting all evil vitality that once had a grasp on my soul. Be taken as fast as the wind blows or the current flows. I cannot be a stumbling block for myself. Nor should I stand in God’s way for the plans he may have for me. Although with my eyes I can not see that far outside what my mind struggles to grasp. I can be free. Knowing justice for my pain will be lifted and I will gain. Gain more then I deserve. Although my past once haunted me. It is up to I to stay humble in my walk. To seek the truth and only the truth. I can’t control how others feel about me. But I can control how I feel about me. Silence hasn’t ever been a choice. For my blunt outspoken tongue takes control. Letting my thoughts have power over my actions. I take a stand and owe it to myself. That silence is the key to success. It is also the key to be free. Free from being rejected or turned astray. Like a lost sheep on a dark rainy day. I must have God as my guider, shield, amour. I refuse to be a victim when I can be a survivor. What evil may linger around my life. I’m bigger then it. Silence your enemy has always been a mystery to me. Out of my comfort zone I would be. Where has my words and actions got me? Maybe it’s time I shut that door of desired flesh that wants the last word wants her voice to be heard. It’s my voice that has got me here. Let the silence for those not worthy of my grace be insufficient to my circle. Maybe the word silence speaks volumes to my character. Maybe silence will show how repulsive and vile I feel. Maybe then he will understand I share nothing within.

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The wind

I kinda see myself like the wind. Like you can feel me but you can’t see me. I’m just here for one purpose . Like everyone around me can hear my feelings but they don’t see what’s inside of me. The darkness that lingers taking all the vitality out of me. My soul is crying for freedom but it’s stuck inside this vessel this Body I was born in. Yet I don’t feel like I’m Me , I don’t feel like my body is mine… my body belongs to my creator my soul belongs to my creator . So really nothing belongs to me. I feel my thoughts speed up like the wind knocking anything in its path down. But I also notice my thoughts slow down like the wind just like a breeze

In someone’s hair when they step out side in the morning. My thoughts have different feelings different speeds . And they can calm a storm inside me or they can become powerful enough to form a tornado in me. It’s never really a happy medium inside my mind . 🖤 I’m either really happy or really sad or kinda okay but kinda not … like I have developed a sense of contentment with my darkness. I also believe my darkness has consumed me. And don’t get me wrong somedays my darkness can trick me, making it appear to be light.. giving me the courage and confidence to get by that day. But never have I ever underestimated my darkness because I know now it’s a foolish thought that I can remain Happy forever. Because as soon as I feel ready , ready to conquer what ever in my path . It “the darkness”, brings me right back down to the only place I’m familiar with… ISOLATION . Isolation by definition is the process or fact of isolating or being isolated. Meaning one to be taken into a state of mind or a physical place and be held captive from anything and everything. And because I have become sustainable to this pattern it’s nothing new to me but very soul draining. I can’t express my true thoughts to someone because then maybe I’ll be defined as crazy or incapable of freedom or love or successes. And maybe I’m supposed to be like the wind . Invisible and driven for one purpose. To be here to help others. And I am here as a mother to help my children. I’m here for my family so they do not have to suffer if I was to go away. Selfish thinking for myself huh? That I only stay here for the purpose of others not because I want to. Like I was created for others but not myself. -‘ and although god says many times that we can be the best versions of ourself through him. I can’t help but wonder if my purpose is just to be here for him. Like I exists because of him. Just like the wind! I’m selfish to myself. And to my kids. Because not getting better had been my option for so long. Depression and anxiety has been my favorite darkness that I use to eliminate any challenge to strive in. And honestly I am selfish . Selfish like the wind . If you leave a certain place like ” earth you don’t get wind or ” oxygen anywhere else. you just remain here on earth in order to have wind . If that makes sense. I’m selfish because I owed it to myself years ago to get better. And I deprived myself from any healing instead I stayed the only place I knew my darkness. And for my kids ? Well how can I be anything for them when I’m nothing for me. I wake up go outside and feel the wind. I look up and see the trees flowing back and forth. I look down and see my toes in the grass I look around and see the world passing by. And yet I don’t see me belonging anywhere on this earth besides with the wind. I wish I could be as free as the wind . Whispering fast by going anywhere anytime living amongst everything and anything anywhere anytime. But I’m not the wind I’m nothing like the wind . My thoughts are created by me. Not god not the wind . Only me. ‘My mind has the same speed as the wind or even the same speed of a bullet being fired out a riffle .. but I’m nothing like the wind. For the wind you can see through the trees and through your hair. But I don’t see me and I don’t think anyone truly sees me …

I was ….

I was your Glass of wine

She’s your cup of tea

I was your wondrous love

She’s your amicable Love

I was your seductive Touch

She’s your exquisite touch

I was your “Gull”

She’s your benevolent

I was your amorous

She’s your remedy

I was your blissfulness

She’s your contentment

I was your first

She’s your last

I was your “fixer upper”

She’s your complete

I was your soul searcher

She’s your soul mate

I was broken and left bruised

She is being wrapped in garments of Gold Touch.

To the Man in the Mask

At 16 years old you swept me off my feet. I was young and free even careless after all you spoiled me. Many trials and Tests came our way as a young couple. I didn’t know it then but I know now you were still legally married had a child and I was your victim I fell in love with you everything about you from your touch to your talk. Speeding up! 8years later … we made 2 beautiful children to add to our Home. A home I created for us, but as it seemed it was a home to others on the outside, but in the inside it was games and pain. Luckily we went our separate ways while the kids were still so young, thank god they didn’t witness all the dysfunction that was brought by sin and lust Even after all the lies and the deceiving the cheating the abuse I still supported you I learned to forgive you in the moment, cause I was too scared to be alone. I selfishly wanted you. I was going to take the good and the bad. However it wasn’t until recently I discovered that I selfishly wanted the idea of you not necessarily you. As I developed a spiritual relationship with my god, many things he had to expose out of me things that were hidden that kept me blinded by a man I wanted to know. I seen your potential I seen your struggle I seen your fears but I feared your demons. I call you the man in the mask because I believed you were the man you wanted to be in the beginning,I know you fought so hard to be the man in the light but you were all talk and no walk so instead you hid Your demons hoping nobody would see. But I knocked on your double storm! I exposed your demons. And I called them out for what they were. You took the mask off and showed me. I don’t think you did all of it intentionally after all the devils a spiritual force you allowed in. I know you have remorse I know you can see now how your actions how your words could destroy every cell in my body. But I’m not gonna talk about the demons you fight today. I wanna talk about the shit you took away the shit I can never get back. I want to talk about the very day that very hour my life turned upside down you see not only did you take my niece from me but you took my brother to. maybe I fell out of love with you long time ago I mean after the foundation of trust was wrecked. you played on my emotions and insecurities. You took all that fucking vitality out of me. I still supported you I defended you when they yelled your name and blasted you. and for what to get shit on to be victimized ?to have the ones I loved ripped from me… i’m writing this because nothing I can say to you will allow you to justify it. And Maybe I’m wrong as a Christian to believe somethings only God can forgive. How can I forgive when I can’t forgive myself how can I move on from this pain when it eats at me like bloodsucking vultures every day I see your ass I try to see you As Gods son. After all you are his child broken or lost .And I can put on a smile and even mask my pain but the moment I shut the door behind you. My guilt eats at me like insects on a dead body in a grave. And why is it my guilt? Why should I have to carry this I was innocent i’m not the one that hurt my niece I’m not the one that went to prison I’m not the one who destroyed another woman’s life. I thank God my niece is okBut my brother? My brother may have died because of his own sins. But he died believing i picked you over him. Now How the fuck am I supposed to get that back? You tell me? Oh wait..cause you live with your own guilt! Because you said you were sorry that you didn’t know what was going on in your head you should’ve seen the signs & got help. maybe I should’ve got you help but I was young I was broken How the fuck could I help you when I couldn’t even help myself. Now my fucking brothers dead and I can’t take back the time and tell him I’m sorry let’s start over please forgive me for being naïve for believing this man couldn’t hurt me this way… for believing he was innocent. All because that motherfucker didn’t have the courage to step up and confesses his fucking sins. And Let me fucking breathe again. But I can’t! I can’t reverse the clock I’m not the creator of time. But I swear to god if he had just given me one more time To be with you again to speak my truth to heal the wounds that I can’t escape from, then maybe I could fucking breath again.

To My EX BESTFRIEND

To the bitch who betrayed me. 16years we dedicated to a friendship, we was “soul sisters” now your just a “soul killer”. We could light up a room with laughter, I was your light you was my flash, and this is how you do me? I was your dry shoulder to cry on

Your sidekick in crime

Your FBI agent to the players.

Your twin in adventure

And this how you do me?

I pulled your ass from the trenches gave you a new way, you said we was gonna be friends till we was dead in graves, now your just a corpse faded away memories,….. how could you do me this way?

You watched me suffer in pain, plead out his fucking name, while you watched laying in shame

You stepped under my roof told me it was gonna be ok that he was just a cheating POS I needed to get away,

You watched me become weak to a broken heart grieving what I lost. you watched the way my lips moved when I spoke his name in pain, meanwhile your lips caressed his.

my body ached for him, your body pleasured him. To my face you whispered hope behind me you whispered lies,

how could you do me this way?

You told me: let him go! while you let him in.

I put a roof over your head, and at night you was giving him head

I spread my arms for you, you spread your legs for him.

You listen to me soak over him, while you was showering him off.

For once I needed a dry shoulder to cry on, but you smelt like him, I could smell the Calvin Klein and shame lingering off your neck.

When I confronted you, your face turned red swore up and down I was being paranoid again…..

I shock it off and believed you, but my suspicions never fade, your soul sister was on a quest and I was going to find out who was betraying me next,

You sent me a FaceTime request and as soon as I accept wouldn’t you know his plaid sheets laying in your bed…

a friend to a foe it hit me like a speed of lighting straight to my veins,

Soul sister don’t deny it I knew all along I just wanted you to feel the rush when I called your bluff

So to my Ex BESTFRIEND

Thank you,

Thank you for giving me the lesson i needed

Thank you for taking him away

After all

Taking my sloppy seconds was just your middle name

You envied me and wanted what you couldn’t have so as soon as you seen an opportunity you leaped like a stripper on a pole dug your nails in his back, while he caressed your skin

It’s okay “soul sister”

His sex was wack!

Thank you for showing me what I truly deserve. Thank you for this obstacle of pain because of you i am free from his games.

And now that he left you for another ass

always Remember karma has its way of biting back.

BY: Camilla aka camie

What went wrong ?

I have been blinded and miss read by women I thought loved me, Took me in as I was just like Jesus did. said that I was a sinner but I could become a saint as long as I follow these rules and obey. But I was disposed of just like they did with the others. they are your children God! so for that I won’t speak Ill of them. But they have been shaped into bullies of expectations, levels that I cannot meet for “Christianity” I cried I prayed and I begged for those around me to still love me even though I had flaws, sure in my past I’ve lied and gossiped and got my way by persuading those with a weak mind to get my way. these women were role models to me, I was a lost sheep and they picked me up and brought me in but little did I know they had inner intentions to make me into them not forgetting I have my own mind I’m not easily influenced like the rest of these guys. Sure we laughed and we cried and we made memories that I’ll never forget there was positivity through the misguided creeping. it’s just you see God! the devil made his way and he took away my friends and the good thing that we created we all had great intentions it’s just some of us faded away which sculptured into lies from the devil, forgetting what Jesus told us about the broken people. they throw scripture at me to justify their actions but some people take scripture into context they take from it and they add to it. so how do I know what they did was from you? They say to read the word, pray and seek you. But anytime I did I just got peace. So for me! That is my answer. I didn’t take away or add to, I simply defended my character and explained my walk with you. But God I’m still not sure who is right, I’m a imperfect woman battling my own demons to live Christ like, but these woman left me confused and hurt. Abandoned, they brought me Through hell and left me to fight for myself. All the drama and deceiving words of hate, and I was the one left to blame. Why ? because their visions and dreams told them too? Because they received “confirmation” from God? How is it when I say I hear from god my words aren’t taken serious, but because they are older , and they claim to be wiser to the word, their words trump mine? Bullshit you hypocrites your in a blind folded maze leaving you exposed and vulnerable to the devils ways, but I’m the manipulating monster ? I’m the one who’s fruit don’t show? Well forgive me if my spirit doesn’t answer to you! That my walk with God isn’t for you to pick and pride at. Why? because it isn’t at the level you requirer it to be at. Shame on you for throwing stones of judgement at me. Trying to manipulate others to see. You talk about the fruit of the spirit like you have it all down pact! This isn’t a race to be great, your “fruit” has left pain and confusion in the hearts of many. You used God as a weapon to get your way. Spoke with such intelligence that we couldn’t debate. Yet after a year of this bullshit. i realized what was done to Me, others were a victim to. You and your “witness came to my house identifying yourself as friends of God but your words and hypocrite ways were exposed to me as fake, which is why it wasn’t long that I was able to catch up with your schemes and sure you may have had better intentions, but don’t we all at first!! until we get carried away with our lies that we will do anything to keep our reputation in tack. Well forgive me but I can see right through you, I was given a strong intuition that I can spot insanity’. I searched through the word I prayed for 60days and not once did I get confirmed what you was doing was okay. I have already forgiven you so don’t be afraid. But as for us ever going back to the old days. Well that ship has sailed. God has put me on another sea to sail. I hope God exposes the devil inside your life’s until then I’ll sit back watch it unravel but don’t worry I’m not heartless I’ll be praying too. Because unlike you i don’t carry expectations I know people will fall. But at least I carry my bruises with integrity and all. Thank God he pulled me out when he did . I was starting to fall for this BULLSHIT AGAIN.

Memories

Every picture, every sound or smell has a memory of them.. A loved one we lost. I still walk by your pictures everyday in my house and some days are so busy. We get carried away with our day. So I forget to look over on that shelf at your faces. Sometimes I even glance for just a second feeling nothing ..just this numbness like all my memories of you have faded away with time. Then, then I remember to stop, and I run my fingers across that dusty picture frame and for just a brief moment I remember you. I remember your laughs, I remember your voice or the times I spent watching you .. Cook or talk. I remember watching you do your hair at the kitchen table putting your curlers in with your little table mirror. And I would sit across from you eating my breakfast. I was just a child Living in the moment. I remember you also, grandma cooking spaghetti in the kitchen. Awe, till this day nobody’s cooking has topped that famous Italian dish. I remember late nights we sit st your table for hours. ME you and my cousins playing yahtzee. I always cheated lol.. But you always let me win too. I remember my young self with so many dreams. I and Amber we would sit back in the play room and make up songs like we was celebrities and we would come out and sing to you. And even though we did what felt like a hundered times a day to you. Your face still lite up with such joy. I remember watching great grandma sitting on the back porch picking green beans. Oh how I miss those summer days on that back porch breaking beans With grandma. Drinking fresh lemonade. Listening to her talk about the good old days. Woe I never felt more alive! Touching your photos, embracing your faces. Just to get a glimps of my child hood again. As a child I grew up with two brothers whom I was very close too. We was the three stoges lol..getting into trouble, playing pranks on each other. Just all out daredevil goof balls. But we grew up and you kinda parted from me and Joe. You lost yourself over and over. But you was still the most functioning mess I ever seen lol. Its hard for me to remember the Good with you mark.. Because all I Seem to picture when I look at your face sitting on my shelf with your ashes near by. Is the knock at my door at 7am. With the cops them strangers telling me you had died. It to this day is one of the hardest things I had to handle not only because You were gone and we didnt get to say goodbye. But because I had to call everyone. I was the first to know. And I had to keep myself together for everyone. But…tonight when I ran my fingers across that dusty picture of your great big smile. I finally felt peace. Not numbness not anger but peace. I finally could day dream about our Memories. I can still hear your laugh. It was so contagious to anyone in a room with you. I remember bonfire nights with a cold beer next to you. I remember your times as a father playing with your little girl right here in my house. I can almost still hear your foot prints walking across my dinning room. Your voice echoed through my house. Lol but I loved it. I can’t ever forget you giving me advice when I had my first born. The way you talked with such intelligence.

I just can’t figure out how you live on.. With out these people in your life. Most the time I block it out because its to painful to bear. But I will never walk by your pictures without stopping to remember and Not your death, but your life. Memories is all we have left. Its what we leave behind when we are gone that’s the only thing guaranteed in life. Is some where, somehow we will leave a impact on someone. And they too will walk by our picture hanging in their house one day. I know many more people through out my life will be added to that shelf. And it scares me to my core to even think about losing someone else. However I know with time. One day my face will be in a dusty picture frame on someone’s shelf. And I hope they remember to not just glance but remince on my memory.