A cult?

Oh Lord what have I been a part of, was it a cult all these years? blinded and miss read by women I thought loved me, Took me in as I was just like Jesus did. said that I was a sinner but I could become a saint as long as I follow these rules and obey. But they forgot to mention that if I don’t follow their rules and if I don’t obey them I will be disposed of just like they did with the others. they are your children God! so for that I won’t speak Ill of them. But they have been shaped into bullies of expectations, levels that I cannot meet for “Christianity” I cried I prayed and I begged for those around me to still love me even though I had flaws, sure in my past I’ve lied and gossiped and got my way by persuading those with a weak mind to get my way. these women were role models to me, I was a lost sheep and they picked me up and brought me in but little did I know they had inner intentions to make me into them not forgetting I have my own mind I’m not easily influenced like the rest of these guys. Sure we laughed and we cried and we made memories that I’ll never forget there was positivity through the misguided creeping. it’s just you see God! the devil made his way and he took away my friends and the good thing that we created we all had great intentions it’s just some of us faded away which sculptured into lies from the devil, forgetting what Jesus told us about the broken people. they throw scripture at me to justify their actions but some people take scripture into context they take from it and they add to it. so how do I know what they did was from you? They say to read the word, pray and seek you. But anytime I did I just got peace. So for me! That is my answer. I didn’t take away or add to, I simply defended my character and explained my walk with you. But God I’m still not sure who is right, I’m a imperfect woman battling my own demons to live Christ like, but these woman left me confused and hurt. Abandoned, they brought me Through hell and left me to fight for myself. All the drama and deceiving words of hate, and I was the one left to blame. Why ? because their visions and dreams told them too? Because they received “confirmation” from God? How is it when I say I hear from god my words aren’t taken serious, but because they are older , and they claim to be wiser to the word, their words trump mine? Bullshit you hypocrites your in a blind folded maze leaving you exposed and vulnerable to the devils ways, but I’m the manipulating monster ? I’m the one who’s fruit don’t show? Well forgive me if my spirit doesn’t answer to you! That my walk with God isn’t for you to pick and pride at. Why? because it isn’t at the level you requirer it to be at. Shame on you for throwing stones of judgement at me. Trying to manipulate others to see. You talk about the fruit of the spirit like you have it all down pact! This isn’t a race to be great, your “fruit” has left pain and confusion in the hearts of many. You used God as a weapon to get your way. Spoke with such intelligence that we couldn’t debate. Yet after a year of this bullshit. i realized what was done to Me, others were a victim to. You and your “witness came to my house identifying yourself as friends of God but your words and hypocrite ways were exposed to me as fake, which is why it wasn’t long that I was able to catch up with your schemes and sure you may have had better intentions, but don’t we all at first!! until we get carried away with our lies that we will do anything to keep our reputation in tack. Well forgive me but I can see right through you, I was given a strong intuition that I can spot insanity’. I searched through the word I prayed for 60days and not once did I get confirmed what you was doing was okay. I have already forgiven you so don’t be afraid. But as for us ever going back to the old days. Well that ship has sailed. God has put me on another sea to sail. I hope God exposes the devil inside your life’s until then I’ll sit back watch it unravel but don’t worry I’m not heartless I’ll be praying too. Because unlike you i don’t carry expectations I know people will fall. But at least I carry my bruises with integrity and all. Thank God he pulled me out when he did . I was starting to fall for this BULLSHIT AGAIN.

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Memories

Every picture, every sound or smell has a memory of them.. A loved one we lost. I still walk by your pictures everyday in my house and some days are so busy. We get carried away with our day. So I forget to look over on that shelf at your faces. Sometimes I even glance for just a second feeling nothing ..just this numbness like all my memories of you have faded away with time. Then, then I remember to stop, and I run my fingers across that dusty picture frame and for just a brief moment I remember you. I remember your laughs, I remember your voice or the times I spent watching you .. Cook or talk. I remember watching you do your hair at the kitchen table putting your curlers in with your little table mirror. And I would sit across from you eating my breakfast. I was just a child Living in the moment. I remember you also, grandma cooking spaghetti in the kitchen. Awe, till this day nobody’s cooking has topped that famous Italian dish. I remember late nights we sit st your table for hours. ME you and my cousins playing yahtzee. I always cheated lol.. But you always let me win too. I remember my young self with so many dreams. I and Amber we would sit back in the play room and make up songs like we was celebrities and we would come out and sing to you. And even though we did what felt like a hundered times a day to you. Your face still lite up with such joy. I remember watching great grandma sitting on the back porch picking green beans. Oh how I miss those summer days on that back porch breaking beans With grandma. Drinking fresh lemonade. Listening to her talk about the good old days. Woe I never felt more alive! Touching your photos, embracing your faces. Just to get a glimps of my child hood again. As a child I grew up with two brothers whom I was very close too. We was the three stoges lol..getting into trouble, playing pranks on each other. Just all out daredevil goof balls. But we grew up and you kinda parted from me and Joe. You lost yourself over and over. But you was still the most functioning mess I ever seen lol. Its hard for me to remember the Good with you mark.. Because all I Seem to picture when I look at your face sitting on my shelf with your ashes near by. Is the knock at my door at 7am. With the cops them strangers telling me you had died. It to this day is one of the hardest things I had to handle not only because You were gone and we didnt get to say goodbye. But because I had to call everyone. I was the first to know. And I had to keep myself together for everyone. But…tonight when I ran my fingers across that dusty picture of your great big smile. I finally felt peace. Not numbness not anger but peace. I finally could day dream about our Memories. I can still hear your laugh. It was so contagious to anyone in a room with you. I remember bonfire nights with a cold beer next to you. I remember your times as a father playing with your little girl right here in my house. I can almost still hear your foot prints walking across my dinning room. Your voice echoed through my house. Lol but I loved it. I can’t ever forget you giving me advice when I had my first born. The way you talked with such intelligence.

I just can’t figure out how you live on.. With out these people in your life. Most the time I block it out because its to painful to bear. But I will never walk by your pictures without stopping to remember and Not your death, but your life. Memories is all we have left. Its what we leave behind when we are gone that’s the only thing guaranteed in life. Is some where, somehow we will leave a impact on someone. And they too will walk by our picture hanging in their house one day. I know many more people through out my life will be added to that shelf. And it scares me to my core to even think about losing someone else. However I know with time. One day my face will be in a dusty picture frame on someone’s shelf. And I hope they remember to not just glance but remince on my memory.

HEROIN

Dear heroin,

You have never met me and I can assure you never will. But your a toxic man made drug and you destroyed my family. You took my brother from me, my parents son, my niece’s daddy. You preyed on his weaknesses and you stole his soul.. You took him and turned him down a path of destruction. Took his happiness away. YOU were his gateway to escape. And I hate you and I hate those who sold it and to the ones who made it. May you rest in hell. it’s hard to say these things. TO have such a strong hate. But you took so much from not just me but everyone who lost a loved one battleing your soul sucking ways. Your a soul killer. A epidemic to this world. people are going insane about you although I do have so many conspiracy therioes of why your still here. But I have no evidence to back it up. So for now ill just say.. You have taken a precious life from me. A life of memories I could have shared with my brother. My brother would still have a brother. A daughter could still have her dad. My parents would still have their son. It’s a catastrophic clash against you an your victims. I despise your creators and one day they will be sucked down to hell . Until then ill weap in my sorrow. YOUR the last memory I had of my brother. The day they knocked on my door. Told me you was the cause of his death. It broke my heart knowing you was the evidence in his test. That after so many years you got him where you wanted. Then right when he was strong you pulled him back in. Your a toxic love affair, a dangerous vaccine some will agree. Your a nightmare we didn’t get teached about. Your a lingering passive drug waiting for that next high….. I hope your creator’s see the pain they have caused all to make a buck. Fuck you herion. 😔💬

Father?

Father are you there? Where were you when I needed you the most. A sad girl broken not knowing how to cope with all that she had lost. You may have been there from a far but you were not emotionally involved. Ill bring up what I think caused you to be distance from us all. Raised in a family with no love at all. Kicked to the streets to survive on your own. Drugs took you into a path of destruction caused your weakness to be revealed. But in the prime of my life when I needed you the most you was still growing up, I understand father why you are the way you are. You felt pain, loss and betrayal. All that can change a person. So you dont need to apologize for your past. But I WANT you to know how you affected my life. Your soar eyes and cold heart , to stubborn to care.. I see now the depression that you felt. You let it control you. Deteriorating relationships that caused pain. But father.. Let me explain: As a little girl and now with a daughter of my own I see now how much a little girl craves the love of a father. It’s a desire inside us that we need to grow. No hugs, “No I love yous” NO affection was given. Just a stray eye and a broken pulse. Because of your negligence I can see as a adult how much impact it had on me. I’m becoming YOU “father”. Cold, emotionally detached, inpatient, hot tempered and depressed. Because of that it has affected the way I treat my kids. You don’t realize your flaws UNTILL they’re pointed out again. Difference between you and I is im catching it just in time. So I can be the mother these kids need. And not a cut off parent who is Selfishly involved in myself. I refuse to be like YOU – “as a parent”. Not that it is all bad, however One thing I can say is you never left us. You was there just not really their you know?. And I’m not the only one affected by this but it’s time I got this shit off my chest. You did nothing for me father didn’t teach me a dam thing. Punished me because you was angry all the dam time. Not my fault I was a rebellious teen how could I take you serious when you acted like you hated me, but when push came to shove and you tried to parent me I just laughed and ran away ..why ? Because you wasn’t the father I needed everyday. I’m sorry Father if my words are harsh. But you acted so ungrateful for all you had. A family and a woman who did all she could to raise your son’s why you struggled to remain sober. I know your addiction was hard. But it was harder on us. You Put mom through shit that was just to much. Forgive me father if the truth hurts. But it’s time you know how much I despised you growing up. Where were you when I needed you the most? To see me off to my highschool prom! Your baby girl all grown up. Or where were you when people I loved died? No support was given to me not even a goodbye,when I left for Carolina to start a new life. Where were you when I almost died? I remember mother being close by my side. I remember her moving to make sure I would remain ok. Or how about the mental illness I battled everyday. I tried to kill myself daddy did you know that too? Guess not Because your selfish ways had blinded you. Your little girl needed a father by her side. Statics say a child needs a mother and father to grow up healthy one day. But I got one. My mother! who is a saint. picked up the duties she was dealt to make sure we Were all raised up. I know you can’t take back that time. And if you could maybe you would start over. I’m not saying this to hurt you. God knows I just needed to clear the air. BUT Where were you when I was scared to death to give birth to my children. Or when I needed a break, I would call you in desperates times but there was always a excuse for your delay. Not a dry eye went by when I felt like cutting you off. I said I loved you but that wasn’t enough. Father you don’t treat me like I’m yours. Did you even feel love when I was born? Was it the feeling I have for my kids? The feeling of love so deep you can’t speak. I ask because I truly dont know who you are. My therapist says in order to heal I must confront you. But how painful would that be. So I spent years forgiving you in silence. I never spoke ill on your name. I stuck up for you when others were fed up. When mom needed your help so bad. I wanted to scream at you! because you were just so blind by how your actions have such a impact on others life’s. Forgive me father for being so direct but it’s time you hear my side of all this. I’m not sure what to even say. When people ask me how you are. Your so distance Even to my kids. YOUR Grand-kids are supposed to be the prime of your happiness yet you put not effort to have a realtionship with them at all. THEY don’t deserve the version I received back then. Grandpas are important and I will be damed if they feel the way I felt. So step up father before your old age. These moments don’t come to often. You’re given one life. Dont spend it being selfish. I will admit now that I’m older are relationship has grown. You tell me you love me which is more than I expected. But when is the last time you hugged me? Or told me it will be okay.. Or made word on your promises? I can’t live this way father. FOR your remaining time here on earth. I want the father bond a little girl deserves. Your not a bad person Dad don’t get me wrong. But how much longer do you want to feel so alone. You have kids and Grand-kids still alive craving your attention. But yet we never force you because it’s just who you are. Well enough is enough. I know you had it rough, but it’s no longer an excuse. Behavioral patterns are hard to change trust me I’m dealing with the same. But if I don’t tell you how you are in my eyes would you truly be happy with the way you left this earth? On your dying bed will you feel loved and fulfilled? like you did all you could as a father ? Or will you lay there in regret because now that your dying you have one wish. To make sure your kids knew how truly loved and missed . Well it’s a good thing your NOT dying .. And you have a chance to change. It takes a simple act of love to start your way. It takes being involved and loving your time with us. Instead of acting like its a burden. Like you have better things to do. Grow up old man! It’s love I have always wanted and same with Mark and Joe. Don’t waste anymore time with the kids you have left. Why Be that old loner you so desperately dread. I love you father and i Always will. I do mean well Father I truly do. I don’t want you to be hurt or confused by my words. But it’s time to stop living in denial. And break out of your shell. Your sober now father .. And I’m so proud, to say that your alive and well today. But take what I say and know it had to be said. I’m on a healing strike to get my life back again. And it was time I confronted a issue that I struggled with. I do love you father but…..Try to love me.

W.O.R.D.S

How dare you ? Criticise me

You think I dont know the hell i create. You see the outside front, the mask I wear,but you have no idea the demons living under there. Your words have consequences. That lead lingering voices to haunt me. You remind me of my failures, my flaws. But never have you fucking feared the outside of these walls. You think I’m not aware of the damaged this disease has caused. Years, it has taken my identity, my life, My relationships , my self worth. It took years to break me. So forgive me if it takes longer to heal me. This isn’t a disease a doctor can heal. Surgery isn’t a choice, this is a disease that is silent. Hidden away from you all. This is a torture not even the smartest can resolve. So forgive me if I slack on my duties as a adult or hell even as a mother. Because my imperfections caused a burden to your life. I didnt ask for this. I didnt know it would take years. Fuck! It may take more years before I can be myself again. But don’t patronize me, you see only what I tell you. The rest is a fight. A fight I have to battle “I’m alone” there is not even a shadow that can phantom my pain. The only thing you suffered from was watching. But watching and experiencing are two different things. So again forgive me if you want me to be normal. Forgive me if I snap. Because you want this to go away. Well fuck….so do I but this isn’t something you just bounce back from when you think its been enough time. Time is all I have lost. Time is so precious to me yet you make comments that take away any positivity I believe inside my mind. You crush every hope that I’m getting better when you remind me of my faults. You think I don’t know the things I should be doing. I beat myself up everyday I give no credit where credit is due. Because even the biggest victories I feel aren’t good enough. So when you slander me of the “i cannot” or the “time is up”. You simply crush me all over again. For example: my best friends wedding I was so excited to be apart of I knew it would be a challenge but it was a challenge I attend to keep. I knew their would be hiccups. Fears I had to face but instead of being my cheerleader. You belittled me unintentionally cause I’m sure you weren’t aware. You encouraged me to give up. Asked why im even doing this when I can’t do anything else. And I know you meant well. But like I said your words have consequences. Luckly I was able to ignore your critic and I endured it. I felt so good. Feeling important, feeling worthy again. Feeling like I finally did something I was proud of not Because I did it as a victory for my anxiety but because it gave me a gain of self confidence again. But you didn’t even celebrate with me your words weren’t of excitement. I know my anxiety has caused you turmoil and stress. Honestly you feel raising me should be over. And your right it very well should be. However that wasn’t the hand neither of us were dealt. This is a hand only GOD can show. Your remarks have become a scar to my ear. They hurt mother. Because after all I’m the one feeling the demons inside me. Your just here for show N tell. So why arent you proud of me?. Why aren’t you proud that even through it all I have remained strong, wise and kindhearted. Not just as a mother but to people who don’t deserve my mercy. And if you are why is it so hard for you to show it? Is it Because my pain takes a toll on you? Is it because this isn’t the daughter you raised. Is it because you want me to be normal? Well I’m sorry mom but ill never be that little girl you love. Ill never be the girl who takes a easy path. I made choices that lead to my trauma. I dealt with to much to soon and it changed me. But I’m evolving with the hand I was dealt. I’m trying mother. Some days are harder to get out of bed. So forgive me if my mind isn’t on the simple things. my mind is a catastrophic clash from night to day. I know you love me and want the best. But be my supporter not my worst critic. I’m smart mother because of you. I’m wise Because of you. I’m kind hearted because of you. So try to remember that girl. And not the girl who faces evil. Remember me your daughter. Not the girl who hides in her pain. I need a mother not someone who is ashamed. I know this is hard on you To see your little girl struggle. I take note of your pain too. Believe me I can feel your pain. But I can also see your disappointment running through your veins. But act with caution mother not on your emotions Because how you address someone who is broken will have a impact. Speak wisely take note of my victors and remember I will get better and if its not while your time is here on earth. Then when your in heaven know that I will be healed. God fails at nothing. And what progress you dont see. Do not be fooled because god work’s in many ways. And he’s working on things I can’t even see. Just be patient with me mother . I have along road ahead and if In time you see me back slip. Just encourage my journey ahead. Don’t ambush me with your frustration cause words have consequences. I love you mother. Know that I mean well. Love me again mother.

Toxic’ SELF

image

Your words & actions they consumed me. Taking my identity from me. Ripping all the vitality out of me. I was loathing in your pitty making it my own. I Let your words be worn on my skin like a tattoo, I let your actions control my emotions. I acted in hate and self-dought being compelled by your love. Love is not what you are. It took me far to long to see that. Held down by chains, captived in your ways. Deteriorating inside. Paralyzed by fear. I Walked on egg shells around you. But” I was scared to lose YOU”. Why? Because it hurt to watch something I love turn into something I Should hate. I allowed it to consume every inch of my living being. The thought of losing you felt worse, UNTILL years of despair and pain caused my humanity towards you to shut off. I declared myself to hate you cause then I knew with hate comes strength. But I lied to MYSELF. The hate turned into guilt the guilt turned into grief. And there I was again letting you control me. You had no clue the pain and burden I was battling, Hell you didn’t even recongize my loyalty or my love. How could I be so blind to this heartless trap of soul sucking games. I call you the soul killa. Because once your done with your victims you rip away any pride or dignity they have left. The red flags were everywhere I seen it but I chose to ignore it. Because love can be dangerous if your not wise enough. Love is taught in the bible. But that wasn’t the love I was exposed to even as a child. My first love he belittled me. Gave me every taste of evil I could bear. He was the beginning for me the true experience to lose trust and to KNOW what pain was. Not his fault he was who he was taught to be he was a young boy 15 ..But you. Old enough, life experienced, you knew what pain was ..yet you loathed in it. Not meaning to..so you say, “but how can a snake know how to hunt if it dosent know its a snake”. You are what you feed too. Don’t play the victim when you knew what you were capable of. Why couldn’t you spare me? A young innocent girl not ready to be dragged away. Why couldnt you see your love was toxic to me. Instead you carried me along until you had the guts to dispose of me. Dragged me through hell. Now you get to be free? You get to be the one walking away while I’m still cleaning up your mess. I guess this is love. Well NO not the love I was born to see. But this is reality .. This is human love. where no boundaries are set. Every limit gets tested. Every right and wrong is trialled. But its okay I don’t blame you anymore…your a victim too. A devil’s puppet dont you see? I won’t Waite anymore and when you knock on my door ill greet you. But remember always that IM FREE from you . My ties to You are broken. God told me to live again, but this time with him….Goodbye lost boy. I hope one day your saved UNTILL then you’rer a predator I chose to display as a lesson to my life.

Ill wait for love UNTILL I’m wise.

We are All Adopted!

Sometimes in life we feel alone lost and without out a purpose.  we can even feel like we are not apart of a physical family. A family here on earth. We feel like we belong somewhere else. I get that I really do like maybe the family I have physically isn’t really where i belong. Almost as if I was adopted. Well Truth is we are all Adopted. Let me explain. In Ephesians 1:4 God says he chose us! actually picked us out for himself as his own. In Christ before the foundation of the world. He planned for us to be adopted revealed as his own children through Jesus. Ephesians 1:4  is a wonderful scripture because in it the lord tells us that we are His, and he sets forth what’s he wants for us. Meaning we should know we are loved, special, and valuable. Reading this Scripture I found out I belong to someone so powerful so “breath taking” like a family of spirtual abilities. I mean how can we claim we belong somewhere here on earth when in Gods eyes we belong to him. Its like for example at the black sea their are logs that are shipped to the sea and millions of different businessman world wide would come and they would pick the logs they wanted they would then mark their symbol ( name) on the log and nobody could touch it or take it because it was owned and belonged to someone. That is what God did with us he picked us out amoung other logs he sealed his name on us so that we belong to him. Isn’t that so refreshing to know that we are so special that God literally picked us and sealed us with his name and holy spirit. So that we always belong to Him so that we never feel alone or misplaced in this world. I encourage you to say aloud “I belong to GOD”.  And what is also amazing is that you and I we are no surprise to God. He knew exactly what he was getting when he chose us. God did not choose us and then get disappointed because of our inabilities. God has hope for us and believes in us and is working in us. So we can be the plan he destined for us. It’s a amazing feeling to know I was picked by God and sealed with his promises. I mean in the real world today when a woman conceives a child she doesn’t get to pick the gender or hair color or eye color she dosent get to chose. She is given what she is given. But if a man and woman go to a adoption agency they get to chose what child they want. They get to sit down and observe what their looking for. Kinda like what Jesus did with you! He picked you out and chose you and adopted you. I mean how much more special do you need to feel that God of all the world CHOSE YOU! we are all Adopted in Christ we are sealed and apart of a amazing plan. We have the power Jesus did when he died an came back. We have the eternity spirit that can heal our flesh  bodies. If only we knew how truly precious we are to God. How powerful we truly are. The word, the truth that breaks down and tells us how capable and powerful we are as adopted children of God. How special I feel to be apart of a life of eternity blessings. And how much more amazing it would be to unlock the abilities that God gave us to be unbreakble and  unshakeable Christians. I pray you find your purpose through Gods eyes. And I pray you understand that no matter how alone or unworthy or lost you get in this world. That you realize you were CHOOSEN! Sealed,stamped,and owned by the Greatest Powerful Loving God of  life. God bless

Your A Broken Masterpiece

Is it the Broken Dreams you left behind ? Is it the Broken heart you wish to escape from? Is it the Broken home you came from? Is it the Broken spirit that time hasn’t healed? Is it the Broken family in your life? Is it the Broken mind set you battle with everyday? Is it the Broken body you fight with a illness? Is it the Broken marriage you pray to get help with? Is it the Broken path you chose to go down? Is it the Broken ties between a friend and yourself? Is it the Broken poverty you live in? Is it the Broken support you dont receive? Is it the Broken trust someone took along the way? Is it the Broken abuse you dealt with in your precious years? Is it the Broken kids you wished you raised better? Is it the Broken car that won’t start on your rushing days to work? Is it the Broken lies that people echoed into your mind? Is it the Broken betrayal that led you into pain? Is it the Broken past you can’t seem to leave behind? Is it the Broken promises a loved one swore by? Is it the Broken thought that this life isn’t for you? Is it the Broken faith you wish to cling to? Is it the Broken guard you let down? Is it the Broken passion in your love life? Is it the Broken will to continue to fight? Is it the Broken tears you wish to not cry? Is it the Broken mental illness you can’t phathom to live with? Is it a Broken Job that you can’t successed in? Or is it just the Broken thoughts of all the Brokeness in your life? Have you ever healed from your Brokenness?. Have you ever learned from your Brokenness?. Have you ever thought that it isn’t a Broken disaster, yet maybe deep in the root of all that hides within ourselves. That maybe its a Broken master piece. A master piece we are struggling to put together. And what if these Broken events occurred only to have more pieces to pick up and add to your master piece. What if your master piece is YOU. Would you be able to have a more hopeful perspective on it? What if I told you God allows some of  the Brokenness to take place, In order for our temple to be remade. I mean wouldn’t it be nice to say that our Broken life our Broken paths, our Broken past was all part of Gods plan.  Easier said then done right ? Well what if I said its easier done then said. I mean how many of us dwell on our pain and the negative hands we were dealt . Could you imagine for just a moment how much effort and time we focus on the Brokenness. Instead of the progress. HOW many of us have already survived  the worse? And How many of us still have the worse yet to come?. And if for just a moment we were able to lay out our past, our present on to a table spread out like pictures an notes for a scrap Book.While observing each picture and each note or sticker and trying to determine where to place it in your scrap book. What if in the beginning of your scrap book you started with the Brokenness we have been talking about and then in the middle you scrapped the present the time now where maybe your not at complete victory quite yet but your content? If you could observe your Brokenness like a timeline in a scrap book.would you be able to see through out the road of time that your Brokenness in some way turned to a Master Piece. A Master piece of strength. A Master piece of abundance. A master piece of not so perfect shreds of pain that Sculptures your master piece of life, which built a foundation of who you are. Understand that not all Your Brokenness is a sign of trouble or disaster. But simply a trial to overcome to make you who you are today. Your character, your mind set, your body, your perspective of the world today. Your morals and values, your hobbies and passions. Your set backs are not a chain of weights that lingers behind to haunt you. But they are simply reminders of where you use to be and what you are capable of enduring. Own your Brokenness claim your ship of wrecks, because it is the deep foundation of who you are and where you will go. Some Brokenness are unforgettable. Some Brokeness we didnt even ask for. We were not dealt a easy life. But that doesn’t mean we cant embrace it . Instead of running or hiding or feeling insecure about our Brokenness. Why not accept it? And prove to each other that we are more then just a Broken heart Or a  disease we wish a cure for. Or a Broken home we didnt ask to live in. God doesn’t make mistakes he doesn’t save us all the time from hardships, because he knows where it will take us. I’m a firm believer that my Panic disorder and Depression that I pray would go away. Is a Brokenness that I must go through to build a path of Testimony’s, to be a light to someone one day. To have remarkable strength and strong will, to over come Life’s challenges. My Brokeness of mental illness isn’t who I am but who I will become. I think about my times of pain and sorrow and guilt. And I realized that it makes me observant. It makes me cautious, an its good to be cautious in life. Not that we shouldn’t take chances but that they need to be led by God. I’m cautious to know if its from God. I’m more sensitive to other people. I amoung 4 million of other people in the world today can relate to the sufferings of a captivating imprionsed mind. I’m self aware. I’m wiser. I’m more stronger in my faith now then in my fears. So I can’t complain about my Brokenness or blame my Brokeness in my life. Because God reveals to me the victory in it. He tells me all things are temporary and that I’m made in the hands of father so genuine so Giving, that I Won’t fail. So embrace your Brokenness even if its the most Traumatic experience. Did you live? Did you make it through? Did you encounter a pain so DEEP it destroyed you inside and out. But if your reading this then God is showing you right now that you lived. You not only  have to have faith in God, but you have to have faith in yourself. Your   Brokeness can be put back together it may not look the same it may not feel the same but it is fixable and it will be unique and will have qualities that another persons Brokeness will not have. That is what makes your life and story extraordinary. If you can’t find peace right now from your Brokenness. If you can’t find positivity from your Brokenness then I would pray for God to show you how your Brokenness will turn into a battle of success. And  I would pray that God shows you your victories through your troubles. It’s never too late to turn your Brokenness into a Masterpiece. 

    Depression Vs. Satan

    Its a catastrophic clash against Depression and satan. The innumberable thought’s of shattered records in our minds. Thoughts of Self-Destruction. Thought’s of Inferior. A reminder of the past and the times ahead.  It’s Never living in the modern. Your mind is in constant rivalry. A silent killer I like to Add, that sneaks from behind. A silent murder that only you can see and feel. Its judging your figure in the mirror, wishing to be skinny. It’s second guessing yourself if your a Good mother. And will they remember the times you laid on the couch for hours in your sorrow not wanting to interact or engaged. Will they remember the times you ran into the bathroom just to get Away, Because the panic turned over like a dead body in a grave. Will they remember the tears and Shout’s. Will they ever understand that Im attempting to endure a hardship of broken peices just so I can go Day by day with out crawling on my knees. Am I good enough for them? Or will they grow to resent me because mommy never leaves the house. It’s a combat of blood sucking vultures lingering Around your Mind. It’s putting on a mask with a smile while saying “I’m OK.”I’m fine”. Its the sweaty Palm’s and fluttering heart while sitting at a appointment or going to The store. It’s the thought of never being well, the thought of powerless defeat. It’s second guessing everything. It’s watching as everyone gets ready for tommrow but your still living in yesterday. It’s  despising yourself for being this way. It’s being so fragile you cry yourself to sleep. It’s  inaccurate echoes from Satan that haunt your mind. It’s a scheme to throw in the towel. Its walking in public with your head down because your confidence is dreadful. Its the face of condolence and shame your friends give you. It’s hearing advice but nothing register’s. Because its unchallenging to Give up then to have to engage in a strive. It’s being weary but not fed up enough to alter Your Soul. Its Praying constantly but thinking  its not sufficient . it’s pleading with God to Heal you, But only hearing the devil’s deceitful Whispers. Its living inside your intellect being But not In reality. It’s cry for assistance. It’s penetrating for a cure. It’s letting the enemy win. Its authorizing fear to take over. This silent killer will have you dreading the next day. Extreme fatigue of a troubled soul will torture you for days to come. It will linger for the next strike to put you down on your knees. Why your screaming for Satan to depart from your head. He wont flea for not even a moment untill you reach for that bible again.  Its the feeling of chains secured on your wrist with his name engraved reading : This is my Child for Hell.  And as repulsive and agonizing that may sound he’s pulling me until I hit the ground my wrists our bleeding my knees are ripped to shreds he’s pulling all the vitality out of me as he pulling me closer to hell. I’m Screeching for God to help I can feel my bones separating from my flesh. Its the feeling of your soul being ripped from your chest. Im screaming out Scripture I’m pleading my case to God. And in a blink of an eye reality sits in. I’m standing in the mirror looking at a young girl who use to be uncontaminated who had no fear. God said look at this girl who use to be so free before she signed her death certificate to the devil himself. Allowed him to put chains on her and drag her into hell. When I looked at this little girl I had seen her before (It was me). Hell!! what a peculiar word. Hell I can not see but depression became me. And thats  close enough  some will agree. To me depression is a  medical term for weakness a chemical imbalance the doctors will say. And Satan is just a spirit of force we let in through time. He’s a thought of fear we indulge in. But God said to me: I have defeated this angel of death he can not take what is mine. Have faith little girl I’m working just give me time. 

    Wishing someone you love would change  ? 

    The most frustrating thing in life would be trying to understand someone, and why they do and say the things they act on. For many years I have caught myself asking what is wrong with this person? Or why can’t they just change ? How bad do things need to get for them before they see its time to change? Ugh I can’t phatom how many times I have asked those questions. I know a guy who had all the quality’s a woman would want. Caring generous, kind hearted, easy to talk to. Great personality,Great looks and had the Hero intentions for anyone. And yes every woman loves a man who comes to the rescue. But some things didnt add up. I mean he had all these quality’s but he lived a dark life as well. Alcoholic, bisexual, acted on things without fully identifying the conquences. Oh and if you got him MAD enough his words could cutt you like a sword. So here I am confused trying to understand how this man which such great quality’s and potential struggled so much to find his true identity. It was alarming and quite honestly upsetting. I mean over an over I wished this man would change his dark ways because he had so much to offer to the world. I tried to change him, I tried to make him see the light. The light of grace. But he is so blinded by sin and the inaccurate thoughts that haunt his mind he couldn’t take me serious. He lived such a way for so long, with the repeating impulsive behaviors. That thinking he could change at this point was impossible. But then I remembered a verse in the Bible that says ; And I quote All things are possible through Christ. Well okay thats a positive turn on things. So I started praying God please change this man. God change his ways from darkness to light. God change the man I so deeply love. But as time went by I seen little to No change in this man. And I thought well God, I have been praying about this man why haven’t you changed him. Why isn’t he home yet? Here where he is loved and needed? God if anything he has become an enemy in my mind. A poison I wish to be vaccinated from. God you said if I knock you will answer ? Why haven’t you answered. Then in a blink of an eye a sudden urge to read the word. God said to me, camie I asked you to pray for your enemies I asked you to love your enemies and trust in me that all things are possible through me. Camie I can not change someone just because you want me to. Camie he has to want it. He has to open his heart to me and surrender his dark ways so I can transform his ways into a man of Christ. So I said but God.. He has tried to come to you. He has prayed for a new life, he has walked his sufferings and tried to  surrender to you. But God? But what camie? I am his creator and master I say when he lives and when he dies I know the number of times he has prayed and when he has cryed. “Be still” my daughter I am working on my time not yours . you see my daughter each person deserves their own individual spiritual treatment  just because you can’t see what I am doing doesn’t mean I am not doing it. I have wiped his tears I have held him when he fell I carried him when he thought he couldn’t walk anymore. I weaped when he made mistakes but I didnt disappear. He is my son and I will carry him as far as he needs me to. But God? How can you be so sure? I mean I see him everyday he doesn’t seem any different he doesn’t care that he is so far gone from reality of facing his fears! and God he doesn’t care anymore. Camie :  I know the numbers of hairs on his head I know the steps he will take before he even takes them. Dont you think your father god of all the land knows what he is doing . Do not be blinded by just what you see do not lean on your understanding for it is not your job to change him . but I need you only to continue to pray for him. “Wow wow”that conversation between God and I was a reality check you see my whole point is that we can’t change anyone . and its not that they dont Want to change. Its because with out God They cannot . God is the only one who can renew someone from the inside and out . It is beyond our knowledge to even begin to break a life time of patterns with out the spirit of God interfering in our daily life’s .So the best advice I can give is to pray for that person and stop draining your self,trying to change someone when its out of your control. Whether they know God or not. All we can do is pray and God will lead the rest. I suggest if someone is causing turmoil in your life. That you face that battle with bold determaintion and LET GO and LET God IN.