To My EX BESTFRIEND

To the bitch who betrayed me. 16years we dedicated to a friendship, we was “soul sisters” now your just a “soul killer”. We could light up a room with laughter, I was your light you was my flash, and this is how you do me? I was your dry shoulder to cry on

Your sidekick in crime

Your FBI agent to the players.

Your twin in adventure

And this how you do me?

I pulled your ass from the trenches gave you a new way, you said we was gonna be friends till we was dead in graves, now your just a corpse faded away memories,….. how could you do me this way?

You watched me suffer in pain, plead out his fucking name, while you watched laying in shame

You stepped under my roof told me it was gonna be ok that he was just a cheating POS I needed to get away,

You watched me become weak to a broken heart grieving what I lost. you watched the way my lips moved when I spoke his name in pain, meanwhile your lips caressed his.

my body ached for him, your body pleasured him. To my face you whispered hope behind me you whispered lies,

how could you do me this way?

You told me: let him go! while you let him in.

I put a roof over your head, and at night you was giving him head

I spread my arms for you, you spread your legs for him.

You listen to me soak over him, while you was showering him off.

For once I needed a dry shoulder to cry on, but you smelt like him, I could smell the Calvin Klein and shame lingering off your neck.

When I confronted you, your face turned red swore up and down I was being paranoid again…..

I shock it off and believed you, but my suspicions never fade, your soul sister was on a quest and I was going to find out who was betraying me next,

You sent me a FaceTime request and as soon as I accept wouldn’t you know his plaid sheets laying in your bed…

a friend to a foe it hit me like a speed of lighting straight to my veins,

Soul sister don’t deny it I knew all along I just wanted you to feel the rush when I called your bluff

So to my Ex BESTFRIEND

Thank you,

Thank you for giving me the lesson i needed

Thank you for taking him away

After all

Taking my sloppy seconds was just your middle name

You envied me and wanted what you couldn’t have so as soon as you seen an opportunity you leaped like a stripper on a pole dug your nails in his back, while he caressed your skin

It’s okay “soul sister”

His sex was wack!

Thank you for showing me what I truly deserve. Thank you for this obstacle of pain because of you i am free from his games.

And now that he left you for another ass

always Remember karma has its way of biting back.

BY: Camilla aka camie

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What went wrong ?

I have been blinded and miss read by women I thought loved me, Took me in as I was just like Jesus did. said that I was a sinner but I could become a saint as long as I follow these rules and obey. But I was disposed of just like they did with the others. they are your children God! so for that I won’t speak Ill of them. But they have been shaped into bullies of expectations, levels that I cannot meet for “Christianity” I cried I prayed and I begged for those around me to still love me even though I had flaws, sure in my past I’ve lied and gossiped and got my way by persuading those with a weak mind to get my way. these women were role models to me, I was a lost sheep and they picked me up and brought me in but little did I know they had inner intentions to make me into them not forgetting I have my own mind I’m not easily influenced like the rest of these guys. Sure we laughed and we cried and we made memories that I’ll never forget there was positivity through the misguided creeping. it’s just you see God! the devil made his way and he took away my friends and the good thing that we created we all had great intentions it’s just some of us faded away which sculptured into lies from the devil, forgetting what Jesus told us about the broken people. they throw scripture at me to justify their actions but some people take scripture into context they take from it and they add to it. so how do I know what they did was from you? They say to read the word, pray and seek you. But anytime I did I just got peace. So for me! That is my answer. I didn’t take away or add to, I simply defended my character and explained my walk with you. But God I’m still not sure who is right, I’m a imperfect woman battling my own demons to live Christ like, but these woman left me confused and hurt. Abandoned, they brought me Through hell and left me to fight for myself. All the drama and deceiving words of hate, and I was the one left to blame. Why ? because their visions and dreams told them too? Because they received “confirmation” from God? How is it when I say I hear from god my words aren’t taken serious, but because they are older , and they claim to be wiser to the word, their words trump mine? Bullshit you hypocrites your in a blind folded maze leaving you exposed and vulnerable to the devils ways, but I’m the manipulating monster ? I’m the one who’s fruit don’t show? Well forgive me if my spirit doesn’t answer to you! That my walk with God isn’t for you to pick and pride at. Why? because it isn’t at the level you requirer it to be at. Shame on you for throwing stones of judgement at me. Trying to manipulate others to see. You talk about the fruit of the spirit like you have it all down pact! This isn’t a race to be great, your “fruit” has left pain and confusion in the hearts of many. You used God as a weapon to get your way. Spoke with such intelligence that we couldn’t debate. Yet after a year of this bullshit. i realized what was done to Me, others were a victim to. You and your “witness came to my house identifying yourself as friends of God but your words and hypocrite ways were exposed to me as fake, which is why it wasn’t long that I was able to catch up with your schemes and sure you may have had better intentions, but don’t we all at first!! until we get carried away with our lies that we will do anything to keep our reputation in tack. Well forgive me but I can see right through you, I was given a strong intuition that I can spot insanity’. I searched through the word I prayed for 60days and not once did I get confirmed what you was doing was okay. I have already forgiven you so don’t be afraid. But as for us ever going back to the old days. Well that ship has sailed. God has put me on another sea to sail. I hope God exposes the devil inside your life’s until then I’ll sit back watch it unravel but don’t worry I’m not heartless I’ll be praying too. Because unlike you i don’t carry expectations I know people will fall. But at least I carry my bruises with integrity and all. Thank God he pulled me out when he did . I was starting to fall for this BULLSHIT AGAIN.

Memories

Every picture, every sound or smell has a memory of them.. A loved one we lost. I still walk by your pictures everyday in my house and some days are so busy. We get carried away with our day. So I forget to look over on that shelf at your faces. Sometimes I even glance for just a second feeling nothing ..just this numbness like all my memories of you have faded away with time. Then, then I remember to stop, and I run my fingers across that dusty picture frame and for just a brief moment I remember you. I remember your laughs, I remember your voice or the times I spent watching you .. Cook or talk. I remember watching you do your hair at the kitchen table putting your curlers in with your little table mirror. And I would sit across from you eating my breakfast. I was just a child Living in the moment. I remember you also, grandma cooking spaghetti in the kitchen. Awe, till this day nobody’s cooking has topped that famous Italian dish. I remember late nights we sit st your table for hours. ME you and my cousins playing yahtzee. I always cheated lol.. But you always let me win too. I remember my young self with so many dreams. I and Amber we would sit back in the play room and make up songs like we was celebrities and we would come out and sing to you. And even though we did what felt like a hundered times a day to you. Your face still lite up with such joy. I remember watching great grandma sitting on the back porch picking green beans. Oh how I miss those summer days on that back porch breaking beans With grandma. Drinking fresh lemonade. Listening to her talk about the good old days. Woe I never felt more alive! Touching your photos, embracing your faces. Just to get a glimps of my child hood again. As a child I grew up with two brothers whom I was very close too. We was the three stoges lol..getting into trouble, playing pranks on each other. Just all out daredevil goof balls. But we grew up and you kinda parted from me and Joe. You lost yourself over and over. But you was still the most functioning mess I ever seen lol. Its hard for me to remember the Good with you mark.. Because all I Seem to picture when I look at your face sitting on my shelf with your ashes near by. Is the knock at my door at 7am. With the cops them strangers telling me you had died. It to this day is one of the hardest things I had to handle not only because You were gone and we didnt get to say goodbye. But because I had to call everyone. I was the first to know. And I had to keep myself together for everyone. But…tonight when I ran my fingers across that dusty picture of your great big smile. I finally felt peace. Not numbness not anger but peace. I finally could day dream about our Memories. I can still hear your laugh. It was so contagious to anyone in a room with you. I remember bonfire nights with a cold beer next to you. I remember your times as a father playing with your little girl right here in my house. I can almost still hear your foot prints walking across my dinning room. Your voice echoed through my house. Lol but I loved it. I can’t ever forget you giving me advice when I had my first born. The way you talked with such intelligence.

I just can’t figure out how you live on.. With out these people in your life. Most the time I block it out because its to painful to bear. But I will never walk by your pictures without stopping to remember and Not your death, but your life. Memories is all we have left. Its what we leave behind when we are gone that’s the only thing guaranteed in life. Is some where, somehow we will leave a impact on someone. And they too will walk by our picture hanging in their house one day. I know many more people through out my life will be added to that shelf. And it scares me to my core to even think about losing someone else. However I know with time. One day my face will be in a dusty picture frame on someone’s shelf. And I hope they remember to not just glance but remince on my memory.

HEROIN

Dear heroin,

You have never met me and I can assure you never will. But your a toxic man made drug and you destroyed my family. You took my brother from me, my parents son, my niece’s daddy. You preyed on his weaknesses and you stole his soul.. You took him and turned him down a path of destruction. Took his happiness away. YOU were his gateway to escape. And I hate you and I hate those who sold it and to the ones who made it. May you rest in hell. it’s hard to say these things. TO have such a strong hate. But you took so much from not just me but everyone who lost a loved one battleing your soul sucking ways. Your a soul killer. A epidemic to this world. people are going insane about you although I do have so many conspiracy therioes of why your still here. But I have no evidence to back it up. So for now ill just say.. You have taken a precious life from me. A life of memories I could have shared with my brother. My brother would still have a brother. A daughter could still have her dad. My parents would still have their son. It’s a catastrophic clash against you an your victims. I despise your creators and one day they will be sucked down to hell . Until then ill weap in my sorrow. YOUR the last memory I had of my brother. The day they knocked on my door. Told me you was the cause of his death. It broke my heart knowing you was the evidence in his test. That after so many years you got him where you wanted. Then right when he was strong you pulled him back in. Your a toxic love affair, a dangerous vaccine some will agree. Your a nightmare we didn’t get teached about. Your a lingering passive drug waiting for that next high….. I hope your creator’s see the pain they have caused all to make a buck. Fuck you herion. 😔💬

Father?

Father are you there? Where were you when I needed you the most. A sad girl broken not knowing how to cope with all that she had lost. You may have been there from a far but you were not emotionally involved. Ill bring up what I think caused you to be distance from us all. Raised in a family with no love at all. Kicked to the streets to survive on your own. Drugs took you into a path of destruction caused your weakness to be revealed. But in the prime of my life when I needed you the most you was still growing up, I understand father why you are the way you are. You felt pain, loss and betrayal. All that can change a person. So you dont need to apologize for your past. But I WANT you to know how you affected my life. Your soar eyes and cold heart , to stubborn to care.. I see now the depression that you felt. You let it control you. Deteriorating relationships that caused pain. But father.. Let me explain: As a little girl and now with a daughter of my own I see now how much a little girl craves the love of a father. It’s a desire inside us that we need to grow. No hugs, “No I love yous” NO affection was given. Just a stray eye and a broken pulse. Because of your negligence I can see as a adult how much impact it had on me. I’m becoming YOU “father”. Cold, emotionally detached, inpatient, hot tempered and depressed. Because of that it has affected the way I treat my kids. You don’t realize your flaws UNTILL they’re pointed out again. Difference between you and I is im catching it just in time. So I can be the mother these kids need. And not a cut off parent who is Selfishly involved in myself. I refuse to be like YOU – “as a parent”. Not that it is all bad, however One thing I can say is you never left us. You was there just not really their you know?. And I’m not the only one affected by this but it’s time I got this shit off my chest. You did nothing for me father didn’t teach me a dam thing. Punished me because you was angry all the dam time. Not my fault I was a rebellious teen how could I take you serious when you acted like you hated me, but when push came to shove and you tried to parent me I just laughed and ran away ..why ? Because you wasn’t the father I needed everyday. I’m sorry Father if my words are harsh. But you acted so ungrateful for all you had. A family and a woman who did all she could to raise your son’s why you struggled to remain sober. I know your addiction was hard. But it was harder on us. You Put mom through shit that was just to much. Forgive me father if the truth hurts. But it’s time you know how much I despised you growing up. Where were you when I needed you the most? To see me off to my highschool prom! Your baby girl all grown up. Or where were you when people I loved died? No support was given to me not even a goodbye,when I left for Carolina to start a new life. Where were you when I almost died? I remember mother being close by my side. I remember her moving to make sure I would remain ok. Or how about the mental illness I battled everyday. I tried to kill myself daddy did you know that too? Guess not Because your selfish ways had blinded you. Your little girl needed a father by her side. Statics say a child needs a mother and father to grow up healthy one day. But I got one. My mother! who is a saint. picked up the duties she was dealt to make sure we Were all raised up. I know you can’t take back that time. And if you could maybe you would start over. I’m not saying this to hurt you. God knows I just needed to clear the air. BUT Where were you when I was scared to death to give birth to my children. Or when I needed a break, I would call you in desperates times but there was always a excuse for your delay. Not a dry eye went by when I felt like cutting you off. I said I loved you but that wasn’t enough. Father you don’t treat me like I’m yours. Did you even feel love when I was born? Was it the feeling I have for my kids? The feeling of love so deep you can’t speak. I ask because I truly dont know who you are. My therapist says in order to heal I must confront you. But how painful would that be. So I spent years forgiving you in silence. I never spoke ill on your name. I stuck up for you when others were fed up. When mom needed your help so bad. I wanted to scream at you! because you were just so blind by how your actions have such a impact on others life’s. Forgive me father for being so direct but it’s time you hear my side of all this. I’m not sure what to even say. When people ask me how you are. Your so distance Even to my kids. YOUR Grand-kids are supposed to be the prime of your happiness yet you put not effort to have a realtionship with them at all. THEY don’t deserve the version I received back then. Grandpas are important and I will be damed if they feel the way I felt. So step up father before your old age. These moments don’t come to often. You’re given one life. Dont spend it being selfish. I will admit now that I’m older are relationship has grown. You tell me you love me which is more than I expected. But when is the last time you hugged me? Or told me it will be okay.. Or made word on your promises? I can’t live this way father. FOR your remaining time here on earth. I want the father bond a little girl deserves. Your not a bad person Dad don’t get me wrong. But how much longer do you want to feel so alone. You have kids and Grand-kids still alive craving your attention. But yet we never force you because it’s just who you are. Well enough is enough. I know you had it rough, but it’s no longer an excuse. Behavioral patterns are hard to change trust me I’m dealing with the same. But if I don’t tell you how you are in my eyes would you truly be happy with the way you left this earth? On your dying bed will you feel loved and fulfilled? like you did all you could as a father ? Or will you lay there in regret because now that your dying you have one wish. To make sure your kids knew how truly loved and missed . Well it’s a good thing your NOT dying .. And you have a chance to change. It takes a simple act of love to start your way. It takes being involved and loving your time with us. Instead of acting like its a burden. Like you have better things to do. Grow up old man! It’s love I have always wanted and same with Mark and Joe. Don’t waste anymore time with the kids you have left. Why Be that old loner you so desperately dread. I love you father and i Always will. I do mean well Father I truly do. I don’t want you to be hurt or confused by my words. But it’s time to stop living in denial. And break out of your shell. Your sober now father .. And I’m so proud, to say that your alive and well today. But take what I say and know it had to be said. I’m on a healing strike to get my life back again. And it was time I confronted a issue that I struggled with. I do love you father but…..Try to love me.

W.O.R.D.S

How dare you ? Criticise me

You think I dont know the hell i create. You see the outside front, the mask I wear,but you have no idea the demons living under there. Your words have consequences. That lead lingering voices to haunt me. You remind me of my failures, my flaws. But never have you fucking feared the outside of these walls. You think I’m not aware of the damaged this disease has caused. Years, it has taken my identity, my life, My relationships , my self worth. It took years to break me. So forgive me if it takes longer to heal me. This isn’t a disease a doctor can heal. Surgery isn’t a choice, this is a disease that is silent. Hidden away from you all. This is a torture not even the smartest can resolve. So forgive me if I slack on my duties as a adult or hell even as a mother. Because my imperfections caused a burden to your life. I didnt ask for this. I didnt know it would take years. Fuck! It may take more years before I can be myself again. But don’t patronize me, you see only what I tell you. The rest is a fight. A fight I have to battle “I’m alone” there is not even a shadow that can phantom my pain. The only thing you suffered from was watching. But watching and experiencing are two different things. So again forgive me if you want me to be normal. Forgive me if I snap. Because you want this to go away. Well fuck….so do I but this isn’t something you just bounce back from when you think its been enough time. Time is all I have lost. Time is so precious to me yet you make comments that take away any positivity I believe inside my mind. You crush every hope that I’m getting better when you remind me of my faults. You think I don’t know the things I should be doing. I beat myself up everyday I give no credit where credit is due. Because even the biggest victories I feel aren’t good enough. So when you slander me of the “i cannot” or the “time is up”. You simply crush me all over again. For example: my best friends wedding I was so excited to be apart of I knew it would be a challenge but it was a challenge I attend to keep. I knew their would be hiccups. Fears I had to face but instead of being my cheerleader. You belittled me unintentionally cause I’m sure you weren’t aware. You encouraged me to give up. Asked why im even doing this when I can’t do anything else. And I know you meant well. But like I said your words have consequences. Luckly I was able to ignore your critic and I endured it. I felt so good. Feeling important, feeling worthy again. Feeling like I finally did something I was proud of not Because I did it as a victory for my anxiety but because it gave me a gain of self confidence again. But you didn’t even celebrate with me your words weren’t of excitement. I know my anxiety has caused you turmoil and stress. Honestly you feel raising me should be over. And your right it very well should be. However that wasn’t the hand neither of us were dealt. This is a hand only GOD can show. Your remarks have become a scar to my ear. They hurt mother. Because after all I’m the one feeling the demons inside me. Your just here for show N tell. So why arent you proud of me?. Why aren’t you proud that even through it all I have remained strong, wise and kindhearted. Not just as a mother but to people who don’t deserve my mercy. And if you are why is it so hard for you to show it? Is it Because my pain takes a toll on you? Is it because this isn’t the daughter you raised. Is it because you want me to be normal? Well I’m sorry mom but ill never be that little girl you love. Ill never be the girl who takes a easy path. I made choices that lead to my trauma. I dealt with to much to soon and it changed me. But I’m evolving with the hand I was dealt. I’m trying mother. Some days are harder to get out of bed. So forgive me if my mind isn’t on the simple things. my mind is a catastrophic clash from night to day. I know you love me and want the best. But be my supporter not my worst critic. I’m smart mother because of you. I’m wise Because of you. I’m kind hearted because of you. So try to remember that girl. And not the girl who faces evil. Remember me your daughter. Not the girl who hides in her pain. I need a mother not someone who is ashamed. I know this is hard on you To see your little girl struggle. I take note of your pain too. Believe me I can feel your pain. But I can also see your disappointment running through your veins. But act with caution mother not on your emotions Because how you address someone who is broken will have a impact. Speak wisely take note of my victors and remember I will get better and if its not while your time is here on earth. Then when your in heaven know that I will be healed. God fails at nothing. And what progress you dont see. Do not be fooled because god work’s in many ways. And he’s working on things I can’t even see. Just be patient with me mother . I have along road ahead and if In time you see me back slip. Just encourage my journey ahead. Don’t ambush me with your frustration cause words have consequences. I love you mother. Know that I mean well. Love me again mother.

Toxic’ SELF

image

Your words & actions they consumed me. Taking my identity from me. Ripping all the vitality out of me. I was loathing in your pitty making it my own. I Let your words be worn on my skin like a tattoo, I let your actions control my emotions. I acted in hate and self-dought being compelled by your love. Love is not what you are. It took me far to long to see that. Held down by chains, captived in your ways. Deteriorating inside. Paralyzed by fear. I Walked on egg shells around you. But” I was scared to lose YOU”. Why? Because it hurt to watch something I love turn into something I Should hate. I allowed it to consume every inch of my living being. The thought of losing you felt worse, UNTILL years of despair and pain caused my humanity towards you to shut off. I declared myself to hate you cause then I knew with hate comes strength. But I lied to MYSELF. The hate turned into guilt the guilt turned into grief. And there I was again letting you control me. You had no clue the pain and burden I was battling, Hell you didn’t even recongize my loyalty or my love. How could I be so blind to this heartless trap of soul sucking games. I call you the soul killa. Because once your done with your victims you rip away any pride or dignity they have left. The red flags were everywhere I seen it but I chose to ignore it. Because love can be dangerous if your not wise enough. Love is taught in the bible. But that wasn’t the love I was exposed to even as a child. My first love he belittled me. Gave me every taste of evil I could bear. He was the beginning for me the true experience to lose trust and to KNOW what pain was. Not his fault he was who he was taught to be he was a young boy 15 ..But you. Old enough, life experienced, you knew what pain was ..yet you loathed in it. Not meaning to..so you say, “but how can a snake know how to hunt if it dosent know its a snake”. You are what you feed too. Don’t play the victim when you knew what you were capable of. Why couldn’t you spare me? A young innocent girl not ready to be dragged away. Why couldnt you see your love was toxic to me. Instead you carried me along until you had the guts to dispose of me. Dragged me through hell. Now you get to be free? You get to be the one walking away while I’m still cleaning up your mess. I guess this is love. Well NO not the love I was born to see. But this is reality .. This is human love. where no boundaries are set. Every limit gets tested. Every right and wrong is trialled. But its okay I don’t blame you anymore…your a victim too. A devil’s puppet dont you see? I won’t Waite anymore and when you knock on my door ill greet you. But remember always that IM FREE from you . My ties to You are broken. God told me to live again, but this time with him….Goodbye lost boy. I hope one day your saved UNTILL then you’rer a predator I chose to display as a lesson to my life.

Ill wait for love UNTILL I’m wise.